Instructions Military Career vs. Civilian Career. The main strength of this essay lies in its research. The has meticulouslydetailed, in monetary terms, the medical health insurance benefits, housing costs and educational tuition fees enjoyed by those who choose a military career over a civilian career. The use of credible sources adds to the strength of the author’s position.
A few grammar errors are present in the essay. Some examples: The sentences “The military covers service members to include their family member virtually for free” and “Civilian jobs do not have to worry about families,” are inaccurate. “During the same period workers’” requires a comma after period. “The cost to rent a house” should be ‘The cost of renting a house.’ “The cost civilian dental coverage,” and “The cost keeping up with oral hygiene” should have ‘of’ after cost.
The main idea is clear, but the thesis could have been better stated. Maybe a stronger thesis would be “Careers in the military clearly outmatch their civilian counterparts because of their exceptional healthcare program, family services, and educational benefits.”
The tone is appropriate for a college level essay. The author’s ideas flow logically. The organization could be improved by devoting a single paragraph each to a military and civilian career in terms of health insurance, family and education, making the essay 8 paragraphs in length, including the introduction and conclusion.
This suggested organization would ensure that there is no repetition of points in the essay. The essay could also be improved by pointing out some similarities in the two careers in the introduction. Here, the essay focuses only on contrasts and does not make any comparison.